I am posting this today because I'll be sending the February article to diocesan editors tomorrow, and I may not have a chance to get back to the blog. So, as promised, here's a portion of my journal - which captured my journey from grief to the Eucharistic Lord Jesus Christ. If you are journeying through suffering or loss, please know that my heart aches with you. God has not abandoned you, dear one. He is with you even now - and perhaps, most especially right now in your dark night. May you discover joy after the mourning...
September 2003
Dad has been suffering from a number of neurological disorders for about five years…
October 2003
Dad is in horrible pain today, more than usual. He is going to have surgery for a herniated disk...
Saturday after Surgery, October 2003Dad was released from the hospital and felt good eno ugh to go to a movie. They went to Second Hand Lions, which I recommended he see. It reminded me of his childhood in Wisconsin
End of October 2003
I took Dad to his appointment today with the surgeon (St. Louis
November 2003
Dad is being released after over a week of intense physical therapy (in hospital). It was agonizing for him. He is still in so much pain. The doctors never did do the MRI. We aren’t sure why... Dad continues to say it’s like being Job. Nothing makes sense. And the only explanation is no explanation…
End of November 2004
Dad had MRI. Massive staph infection. Also a fractured back. No wonder the physical therapy was torture!
December 26, 2003
Stephen (my son) and I went to get groceries today. I’d thought about stopping by Mom and Dad’s a few minutes afterward, but decided I was too tired and wanted to get home. On the way home I must have spaced off for a few minutes, because before I knew it, I was headed to their house. The car just headed there almost of its own volition. My heart nearly stopped when we arrived. There was an ambulance in the driveway...
December 27, 2003
This afterno on, I cleaned the bathtub in the master bath, and I wept. I cried like Dad is already gone. What’s wrong with me? It’s like he’s dead and he’s no t – but I kno w it is as sure as if it has already happened. The lonely feeling that comes with kno wing a terrible thing when no body else kno ws it – and I want time to just stop. Hold to this moment. My mind says he’s no t gone, but my heart won’t even let me be at peace with that consolation because it kno ws. Why do I kno w things like this? I told John – he caught me crying while cleaning out the bathtub. I had to tell him. How else can one explain tears when there is no reason for tears… John admitted that Dad might no t make it, but if he dies in four months, or four years, will I say I knew?
December 28, 2003
Tonight, we sat down to watch Seabiscuit. The phone call came about half way through the movie; I knew immediately that Dad was gone. I went back to the bedroom and listened for the words. Karlene (my sister) was on the phone. “Denise, pick up.” Her voice was terrible, tragic-sounding. I knew. “Denise, something terrible has happened,” she said when I told her I was there. “It’s Dad. He’s gone.”
I collapsed to the floor and cried, the loss so powerful, so profound I couldn’t imagine how I could speak or breathe or live ano ther minute. My forekno wledge had prepared John for the call. He doesn’t understand the “kno wing,” but he realizes that it’s real. He came back to the room immediately, afraid my “kno wing” had been right.
We went to the hospital tonight. His body was lying on the bed, so still, so quiet.Oh, God, how do I give him to you? I don’t kno w how to do this.
And we wonder what it must be like this very second for this one we kno w so well. And to see him again, how I want it so much, but it will mean death for me, too. And I almost think that would be okay.
December 31, 2003 – New Year’s Eve
We buried Dad today.
January, 2004Mom said I could have the rest of Dad’s library. She gave some of his books to the cousins (preachers). They picked out what they wanted. I get the rest. At least three boxes.
Mid-February 2004
I have to find some books by Evelyn Underhill
March 2004
I have spent the last few months reading or skimming every book I inherited from Dad. I don’t kno w what I’m really searching for. Maybe something Dad wrote in a margin that will help me through this pain....
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| "Let truth, the light of my heart, speak to me, and not my own darkness. I fell away, and I was in the dark, but even from there, even from there... I heard your voice behind me, calling me back..." |
This from a book I found in Dad’s library:
From Confessions, St. Augustine
“But the man who kno ws [all things] is unhappy, and happy is the man who kno ws you . . .” (94)
April 16, 2004
I began reading Evelyn Underhill
From The Spiritual Life, Evelyn Underhill
Hodder & Stoughton
“It consists in being drawn, at His pace and in His way, to the place where He wants us to be; no t the place we fancied for ourselves.” (39)
I used to want to be a writer. What was I thinking back then? That anyone would want to read my fiction? Look out Grisham! Of course that’s what I thought. And no w when I read the stuff I wrote—it’s poop. And no w when I remember my confidence, I want to be a hermit and never show my face. I need to want what He wants, and no t what I fancied for myself.
Early May 2004
From Daily Readings with a Modern Mystic, Evelyn Underhill
Twenty-third Publications
“They never rest in that search for God which they hold to be the fulfillment of their highest duty; yet they seek without any certainty of success.” (40)
End of May 2004
I want more and more to be a contemplative. If I could find a Quaker church that worshipped like my ancestors, in the prayer of quiet, I would join. I feel strongly that the contemplative must be grounded in the faith so as no t to be an easy target of the enemy who masquerades and deceives. I don’t want to be the target of my own whims, let alone the target of the enemy’s darts.
I love the verse in Hebrews that says we are being watched by that “Great Cloud of Witnesses.” I want to make them cheer.
June 1, 2004Just days ago, while reading a book by Evelyn Underhill , I came across the name of St. John St. John
June 2, 2004
My journey for meaning in Dad’s suffering has ended. Now begins my journey in what I am to do with what I have learned and will continue to learn.
Oh Lord, be clear, clearer than you usually are because I am confused and limited in my understanding. Am I to do something? Am I to rest in this contemplative life you’ve given me? Help me to get out of your way. I kno w you don’t need me . . . there are so many others. But use me; make me usable, if it is your will for me to do more. Now my journey through phase two begins. The question is, what no w?
Lord, I deserve disgrace. I deserve shame. Is it possible that you have decided, instead, to give me a double portion as I asked so long ago? I was blessed beyond measure to have the father I had. And no w, it seems, you have blessed me by making my loss into something pregnant with eternal meaning and purpose. Still no t sure what that will look like before it’s all over.
June 8, 2004
The cheers of the Faithful—if you listen closely, you will hear them. That's what I keep thinking these days.
I will-my-will to faithful service. I kno w you may pull back your Presence for your Higher Plan to be fulfilled, but you will never remove your Love.
I will the death of me, my, I, mine, in ever-increasing measure until it is complete, to make room for you and your ano inting.
From Contemporary Edition of Theologia Germanica, Chapter 45
"Cling with all your might to whatever brings about the new birth and makes you alive in Christ, stick to that and no thing else, and reno unce and run from everything that obstructs it."
June 22, 2004I think I would like to worship you at a daily Mass while still attending the church of my youth (Protestant). At Beckman High School
I don’t kno w why I feel pulled to check out a Catholic service. Guide me, Lord. Let me make no decision unless you guide me in it.
The Protestant Church
June 29, 2004
After talking with Father Larry, I realize the main difference between Protestant and Catholic is what we believe about the Eucharist, the mystery of the Last Supper. He asked me to consider what I believe about it, to reread the scripture and see if I can say, This is the Body, this is the Blood of my Lord. If I can say that, I think I should take the class—RCIA.
July 5, 2004
Protestants understand and teach grace and forgiveness—the atonement. Protestants understand the power of the cross and the resurrected Christ; they understand their position of privilege at the feet of the Almighty God.
They do no t explore the call to die, to give all pain, suffering, and sacrifice to God, to identify with Christ in these things. As unbelievable as it may seem, to carry the idea of suffering all the way to calling it a gift from God.
What does this mean? That I, at nearly 40 years of age, become Catholic? [If I remember correctly, these thoughts were sparked by a little portion I happened to watch on EWTN - Two priests discussing Purgatory...can't remember the name of that show. I didn't begin watching EWTN until August or September. At this point, it was just something I saw while channel surfing.]
July 14, 2004
Today has been a tremendous frustration. I was certain God is calling me to become Catholic. My heart and soul, and even my intellect feel the call. Old doctrinal obstacles are falling away. Arguments learned in childhood that would come against Catholic doctrine are gradually being replaced by Biblical arguments for the Church’s doctrinal stance.
Feeling the confidence of the call growing within me, I felt compelled to call my mother-in-law, the first family member outside of my husband to learn what I am considering. I asked her a few questions and she called her priest. Then, she called me back with the news.
I am divorced and remarried. I am no t in good standing with the Catholic Church. Even though I believe in the Real Presence of Jesus Christ in the Holy Eucharist, I canno t join the Church. All I have come to believe—it canno t find fulfillment.
Jesus, I cry out to You. What can I do no w? I have a deep hunger for the contemplative life, but I need the grounding of the Church to guide me. I’m sensing new things—the new meaning of the Holy Eucharist and its relationship to the call of suffering.
This is my first prayer to a saint—
I beg of you to hear my cry and anguish. Your words have taught me so much, but what no w? How do I . . . I don’t even kno w what to ask. There is a self-imposed anguish because old sin has cut me off and though I have sinned many times deliberately, this was in igno rance. I ask for a miracle that can make things no t only right, but holy. I long to commune with my Lord at the Supper Table. Saint John
Lord, hear our prayer.
July 14 –continued in the evening
This is, at times, torment and anguish. Being stuck, my soul wanting to race forward, head down, full throttle.
The life of a pastor’s child has been one of being in the “in” group. No holes barred. I knew the Bible stories better than my Sunday school teachers. I can write a prayer and deliver it with conviction and sincerity. I love the Lord. I’ve kno wn Him since second grade, kno wn Him in deeply personal ways.
It is humbling to be told “No.” It is right for me to be told to pause.
Even if I never fit, I will seek You, Lord. I will study your loved ones’ lives, your holy people, the saints. And I will learn to be humble. I will seek You, kno wing there is no one in my past who will be impressed. No place to retreat to, no faith home ready to accept me. I’ve become no body.
July 15
I am hono red to identify with St. Teresa of Avila Interior Castle
I turn forty in just four days!
July 28, 2004
Mary Beth Kremski left a message on my answering machine today while I was out. I’ve written her via the Journey Home Network and they will forward my letter.
Lord,
Lead me to the right spiritual leader. Someone with discernment, yet an encourager. Give me trust that there is no thing I have to do, except what you ask me to do. I give my life back to You—even if You ask for my final breath. Help me to say daily that my life is Yours.
August 16, 2004
Mary Beth Kremski wrote me a beautiful letter encouraging me in this journey of faith. She helped me to understand that I can still enter the Church and receive a spiritual Eucharist, and that I might also want to do this “in reparation for all those who take the Eucharist for granted or don’t even go to Mass.
She said she didn’t feel qualified to be my spiritual advisor, but will share what she can to help me along. She recommended the Catechism or other good Catholic books. Again, that is something I can do.
October 2004
We are in the new house, and I have begun RCIA classes. I’m no t sure how this will work out….there’s the annulment thing. Father Stoltz and my RCIA leader, Shawn Mueller , both seem to think that it would bring healing to pursue it. Not to mention that I can’t join the Church and receive the Lord in the Eucharist if I don’t go ahead with it.
December 12, 2004In class today Shawn talked about the Immaculate Conception... I was honest with the class. I have a hard time with this teaching.
Find the rest of this journal entry and the full story here.
December 22, 2004
I am stunned by the gradual realization I’m having. Slowly, I am putting together the greatest stories of the Old Testament and the New Covenant of the New Testament.
February 9, 2005
Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent.
I went to service tonight and was able to go forward to have the Sign of the Cross written on my forehead in ashes. It is wonderful to be able to go forward, to do something so deliberate to show what I believe, and what I’m coming to believe. Waiting for the Eucharist is frustrating. I have never had to wait for much, just took it. And what I did have to wait for, I worked hard to make it happen. This is no thing I can do. I can’t make it happen. In fact, as humbling as it is, I put all the obstacles in the way. I did that.
I’m still reduced to tears at every Mass—at the part when we say, “Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, have mercy on us. Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, have mercy on us. Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, grant us peace.” All this is being said while the priest is holding up the Holy Eucharist, breaking it again, again, again. It just brings the full impact down on me, that my Lord was broken for me, my sins did that to him, and he gave me mercy and peace in place of death and separation.
May 5, 2005
May 13, 2005
My first column ran today in St. Louis Review.
June 1, 2005
I think ano ther article has been accepted. The Archdiocese of Dubuque wrote me today in response to a column I submitted to them.
June 22, 2005
In times like these, I realize that the Lord has no reason to use me for His work. In truth, He has a work to do in me, more than through me. That is humbling.
August 1, 2005
I’m officially ready to be received. The letter was in the mailbox today.*** I will call Father tomorrow and find out what comes next. PRAISE GOD!
I think we will have our marriage blessed and go from there.
August 14, 2005
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| Oh, God, Thou knowest that I have never desired but to love Thee. -St. Therese |
My First Holy Communion
Our Lord’s Purity and Holiness just filled me. It was no t me. It wasn’t even quite like contemplation, and yet it was the purest form of contemplation I’ve ever kno wn. When I knelt down afterwards, the tears came in a flood. But it wasn’t about the tears; it wasn’t about a flood of emotion. It was the I Am. Pure. Lost in Him. The re are no words.
I think the best way to describe this morning is to say it helped me to understand what the Holy Spirit did for Mary. Through Confirmation, I felt confirmed with the fullness of the Holy Spirit, the overshadowing. The n, when I received The Most Holy Eucharist, He was inside me. And I was in awe.
Of course, I am a silly, stained creature with a bent toward sinning. I am no t the Blessed Mother. Even so, it was one more grace in my journey to Mary’s heart.
January 9, 2011
Tomorrow, my conversion story will air on Journey Home on EWTN. As of today, I have been Catholic for 5 ½ years. My joy is greater today, if that is possible. My daughter has entered the Church… My husband is Catholic, too (PRAISE GOD because that was a huge miracle for a life-long Baptist who vowed he would never enter the Catholic Church!).
I am indeed – Catholic by Grace!
*I never finished writing this book. The journey into the Catholic Church eventually took center stage.
**This series of books was recommended to me by an editor at Publisher’s Weekly when I was working on an article on trends in Protestant fiction (1995). The article ran in the United Methodist Reporter and one other paper – the name of which I have long since forgotten.
***This is the day the letter from the Metropolitan Tribunal arrived affirming that I was no t bound by my first marriage. This meant I could no w enter into full communion with Mother Church
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